Relationships

Before I begin this post, I should tell you that I mulled over writing it because I do want to maintain my anonymity. I have to, otherwise I would not feel comfortable writing. I decided to write it because I really want my readers to have a 'clear' picture of who I am and the struggles in my life, specifically with my ex-boyfriend who never seems to go away.

I warn you, this is a long post. I may never talk about him after today, but I just needed to get it out there.

I have an ex-boyfriend, to be referred to as EBF from now on. We dated all through high school without a single argument. Seriously, he was the closest thing to a perfect boyfriend I have ever had. He was 1 year ahead of me, he treated me like a princess,and he respected me. I adored him and his family, especially his Mom. Over the years we dated, I became very close to his family, and he became very close to mine. When he graduated he was supposed to go on to a technical college and settle into a career. We never really discussed marriage and the future in depth, but it was just sort of assumed that we would be together.

The summer after he graduated he decided that a job and college weren't really for him. He quit college before he even started, then he quit his job. For 2 months he sat at home and did nothing. His parents were understanding that he suddenly had this epiphany and didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. It was almost like turning 18 had been a wake up call, he had this new found freedom of choice, and he was going to exercise it.

He became withdrawn from me. We started arguing a lot, then he started lying about what he was doing and who he was with. It was small, idiotic lies, like when he had to work, or if he was going to call or not. He wasn't cheating, he just didn't seem to think it mattered whether I knew where he was or what he was doing.

When we would get in an argument he would always be the first one to apologize and work to make it up to me by doing something sweet. One time, we got in an argument over a misunderstanding. We had been having a rough week and I told him that I thought we needed to spend some time apart, not break up, but spend some time with friends and clear our head. He took it to mean that very night, even though we already had plans. When he didn't show up to pick me up for our plans, I was livid. I called him and let his voicemail have it. The next morning he showed up at my house bright and early, crawled into bed with me and told me how much he loved me and that he hated fighting with me. We spent the whole day together and it was a real bonding session for us. Things seemed to be perfect again.

It wasn't long though, and I caught him in a lie again. He told me he was hanging out with a friend and they were going to go fishing. I went to town to run some errands and the friends truck sat at the movie theater. Being the crazy spastic girlfriend that I admittedly was, I waited until the movie let out and observed him walking across the parking lot with the friend and another female (the friends much younger sister, like 16). I knew there wasn't any worry - she was jail bait for goodness sakes, but why lie? Why didn't he just say, I'm going to the movies with B and his sister, I will call you later tonight? I wouldn't have cared, I just wanted the truth. I didn't even go looking for him to prove he was lying, we just happen to live in a very small town and when your friends large pickup truck that sticks out like a sore thumb is parked in front of the movie theatre - its kind of obvious that you are not fishing. He saw my car, and he immediately looked the other direction.

After that night, I drove home and cried in my pillow for hours. I refused to speak to him and I dove head first into work and enjoying my summer. For the next 3 weeks he called me everyday, and by the 4th week he had given up on the phone calls. I got e-mails and he randomly showed up at my house to go do things with my brother. I avoided him at all costs, and must say - I was good at it. One night, I was driving home from work and I called his cell phone. He didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail to the effect of "I love you, and I hate it when we fight. We have been through so much, and I can't just walk away from you."

It wasn't 2 hours and he was at my house. We cried like babies and agreed to work on us. We needed to get back to the happy couple we once were, 4 years was too long to give up on. That only lasted 2 weeks. The week before summer was over, we broke up over the phone. I remember it went something along the lines of him telling me he didn't feel like he could make me happy anymore and he knew I wasn't happy. I said "Are you saying you think we should break up?" and he said "I guess". I hung up the phone and I didn't look back for 6 months. I avoided him and spent all my time with my friends.

My senior year of high school was miserable without him in my life. I was determined to change my life and learn to live without him, even though he was the only guy I was ever that close to. I turned down dates, and avoided hanging out with friends who had boyfriends. One night while I was at work, one of my co-workers who never met him before came inside the store (I worked at a grocery store), and said 'There is some kid in a Corvette in the parking lot looking for you'. I just laughed. I knew it was him, he drove a shiny red Corvette from the day he got his license, he was spoiled - obviously. I was an office person, so I had the freedom of walking outside. I went out there and he was just there to see me, even if I wouldn't talk to him. He didn't go into his usual spiel about how much he loved me, or missed me. He just talked like nothing was wrong and said he wanted to go to dinner one night. He had started a new job and seemed to be doing good. He was working 3rd shift, and he looked really tired. I agreed to go to dinner with him the following week. It wasn't the same. There was obvious tension, but he gave me a hug and a kiss and left.

That started a series of nights out and time spent together with no commitment. No title, or reason for me to expect him to call me and care about my feelings. It was almost like I gave him the freedom to see me and love me when he wanted to, and to avoid me and treat me like last weeks garbage when he wanted to. Eventually he realized he could pretty much walk all over me and I would take it.

For 2 years we went back and forth. When I graduated from high school I moved into my own apartment, and he stayed over a lot. He made an effort to see me at least once a week, and avoid me the other 6 days. I noticed a pattern, and part of that pattern was not spending any weekend days with me. I started to take notice that he would go out with the guys on the weekends, be out of contact and avoid me like the plague. I had a best friend who got married the year after I graduated. She knew about love and life, she told me I deserved better, and I was wasting my time with someone who didn't seem to have any ambition. After hearing it from her, then my Mom, and finally my brother - who was also friends with him - I decided it was over. I told him I was done, I didn't want him in my life, and I needed to move on without him.

I took down all the pictures of us, I packed up all his stuff and took it to his parents house and dropped it off. I spent lots of sleepless nights crying and feeling sorry for myself. One night, I decided I was done. It was when my brother met his now wife. I started making trips up North to visit family, and spending weekends at home with the girls. I poured my time into working full time, going to school part time, and living life with little sleep the rest of the time.

A guy who was a great friend for all the years I dated EBF returned to the picture. He started coming over for party nights at my apartment, and asking me to go do things with him. What started out as innocent friends hanging out, turned into a full blown crush. Before I knew it, I was head over heels for D. We spent evenings together, cooking dinner at my place and going out on the weekends. One night when he was at my house, EBF was texting me. Since D never admitted he had any feelings for me, I assumed we were just friends. I didn't see any harm in texting EBF back or allowing him to stop by for a quick visit. It had almost been a year since we went our separate ways, there was no harm. When I told D that EBF was going to drop by later, he flipped. He got up and walked out of my house, mumbling something about me being stupid and deserving EBF. I think that was the first time I realized that D liked me. I called EBF and told him not to come, I had plans and it wasn't a good time. Then I went to bed.

The next day D called me and acted like nothing was wrong. It sent me for a loop and confused me tremendously. Maybe he didn't really like me. Long story short, D and I started dating 2 weeks later and I had to tell EBF that I just could not communicate with him and maintain a happy relationship. I was happy with D and I needed to walk away from the past. EBF respected my wishes and quit calling and texting me. D and I dated for 3 months, until it was evident we were better friends. It was a mutual break up, and I discounted it to him being the "rebound guy".

One week after D and I broke up, EBF got word through the grapevine and reappeared on Valentines Day. Then, he disappeared for a year. I heard he had a girlfriend, who was much younger than he. I heard he was a deadbeat and not working again. His car broke and he didn't fix it, he was driving cars borrowed from his parents and still living at home. I was relieved he was out of my life.

Then, one weekend last summer - he reappeared again on a boating trip with my family. My brother didn't tell me because he didn't want me to skip because of EBF. He just hoped that I wouldn't mind. How could I? We were 20 miles from home, and on a boat in the middle of the lake. EBF was standing on the dock and hoped on the boat when my brother pulled up. I was OK, but I was scared. It was purely friendly that day, then that evening - he started texting me again.

I haven't talked to him since that day last summer. Once in a while he texts me, and that's all. Back in March he invited me to go to an event with him. I'm stupid and I went. It's back to what it was, him calling and texting. Us talking and hanging out. He's no different. He works full time now, but he doesn't really have any ambition. He has a vehicle, but it's nothing compared to what he had and gave up. He's not the same guy I loved for all those years and a huge part of me wants to tell him that and walk away - and another part of me thinks he might grow up one day and still be my night and shining armour.

Weight off my shoulders? No. Do I feel better about telling the blogging word this story? Yes! I feel like I have vented to a good friend who just listened and didn't give any advice, which is sometimes what I need. Just to talk.

-BB