skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Sometimes, when I get bored I read old posts. You see, I have been blogging since 2006, just not on this blog. My other blogs weren't very private, so I decided to start this one and keep it completely private and not reveal my identity, so I don't have to blog in fear.
For me, blogging is like writing in an online diary, except you get feedback from great blogging friends, and advice from people who don't judge you based on the way you look or the house you live in. Get it? I love blogging.
Anyway, reading old posts made me feel good about myself. I could see myself then, and where I am now - and I truly believe I have accomplished a lot. Including getting EBF out of my life, and on to another poor unsuspecting victim.
Speaking of accomplishing a lot....I am moving along on my never ending list. I need to get a lot accomplished at work today since I am only working 4 days this week. I got one of my final grades this morning, it was an A! I take my last final on Thursday, and I'm hoping to get my final grade by Monday morning.
On the Weight Watchers end of things, according to the scale last night I am down another 3.6 pounds, for a total of 15 pounds.
I don't notice it as much as I would like to, I am one of those people who always want more, but in reality - I'm not going to fit into a size 6 overnight. However, my jeans are fitting a lot looser, and people are commenting on how you can really see that I've lost weight mainly in my face. Apparently I had a fat face, which is now disappearing. Hum..I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not. Ha ha.
I'm off to get more done at work, then lunch with a group of friends who I haven't seen in almost a year! :)
-BB
Before I begin this post, I should tell you that I mulled over writing it because I do want to maintain my anonymity. I have to, otherwise I would not feel comfortable writing. I decided to write it because I really want my readers to have a 'clear' picture of who I am and the struggles in my life, specifically with my ex-boyfriend who never seems to go away.
I warn you, this is a long post. I may never talk about him after today, but I just needed to get it out there.
I have an ex-boyfriend, to be referred to as EBF from now on. We dated all through high school without a single argument. Seriously, he was the closest thing to a perfect boyfriend I have ever had. He was 1 year ahead of me, he treated me like a princess,and he respected me. I adored him and his family, especially his Mom. Over the years we dated, I became very close to his family, and he became very close to mine. When he graduated he was supposed to go on to a technical college and settle into a career. We never really discussed marriage and the future in depth, but it was just sort of assumed that we would be together.
The summer after he graduated he decided that a job and college weren't really for him. He quit college before he even started, then he quit his job. For 2 months he sat at home and did nothing. His parents were understanding that he suddenly had this epiphany and didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. It was almost like turning 18 had been a wake up call, he had this new found freedom of choice, and he was going to exercise it.
He became withdrawn from me. We started arguing a lot, then he started lying about what he was doing and who he was with. It was small, idiotic lies, like when he had to work, or if he was going to call or not. He wasn't cheating, he just didn't seem to think it mattered whether I knew where he was or what he was doing.
When we would get in an argument he would always be the first one to apologize and work to make it up to me by doing something sweet. One time, we got in an argument over a misunderstanding. We had been having a rough week and I told him that I thought we needed to spend some time apart, not break up, but spend some time with friends and clear our head. He took it to mean that very night, even though we already had plans. When he didn't show up to pick me up for our plans, I was livid. I called him and let his voicemail have it. The next morning he showed up at my house bright and early, crawled into bed with me and told me how much he loved me and that he hated fighting with me. We spent the whole day together and it was a real bonding session for us. Things seemed to be perfect again.
It wasn't long though, and I caught him in a lie again. He told me he was hanging out with a friend and they were going to go fishing. I went to town to run some errands and the friends truck sat at the movie theater. Being the crazy spastic girlfriend that I admittedly was, I waited until the movie let out and observed him walking across the parking lot with the friend and another female (the friends much younger sister, like 16). I knew there wasn't any worry - she was jail bait for goodness sakes, but why lie? Why didn't he just say, I'm going to the movies with B and his sister, I will call you later tonight? I wouldn't have cared, I just wanted the truth. I didn't even go looking for him to prove he was lying, we just happen to live in a very small town and when your friends large pickup truck that sticks out like a sore thumb is parked in front of the movie theatre - its kind of obvious that you are not fishing. He saw my car, and he immediately looked the other direction.
After that night, I drove home and cried in my pillow for hours. I refused to speak to him and I dove head first into work and enjoying my summer. For the next 3 weeks he called me everyday, and by the 4th week he had given up on the phone calls. I got e-mails and he randomly showed up at my house to go do things with my brother. I avoided him at all costs, and must say - I was good at it. One night, I was driving home from work and I called his cell phone. He didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail to the effect of "I love you, and I hate it when we fight. We have been through so much, and I can't just walk away from you."
It wasn't 2 hours and he was at my house. We cried like babies and agreed to work on us. We needed to get back to the happy couple we once were, 4 years was too long to give up on. That only lasted 2 weeks. The week before summer was over, we broke up over the phone. I remember it went something along the lines of him telling me he didn't feel like he could make me happy anymore and he knew I wasn't happy. I said "Are you saying you think we should break up?" and he said "I guess". I hung up the phone and I didn't look back for 6 months. I avoided him and spent all my time with my friends.
My senior year of high school was miserable without him in my life. I was determined to change my life and learn to live without him, even though he was the only guy I was ever that close to. I turned down dates, and avoided hanging out with friends who had boyfriends. One night while I was at work, one of my co-workers who never met him before came inside the store (I worked at a grocery store), and said 'There is some kid in a Corvette in the parking lot looking for you'. I just laughed. I knew it was him, he drove a shiny red Corvette from the day he got his license, he was spoiled - obviously. I was an office person, so I had the freedom of walking outside. I went out there and he was just there to see me, even if I wouldn't talk to him. He didn't go into his usual spiel about how much he loved me, or missed me. He just talked like nothing was wrong and said he wanted to go to dinner one night. He had started a new job and seemed to be doing good. He was working 3rd shift, and he looked really tired. I agreed to go to dinner with him the following week. It wasn't the same. There was obvious tension, but he gave me a hug and a kiss and left.
That started a series of nights out and time spent together with no commitment. No title, or reason for me to expect him to call me and care about my feelings. It was almost like I gave him the freedom to see me and love me when he wanted to, and to avoid me and treat me like last weeks garbage when he wanted to. Eventually he realized he could pretty much walk all over me and I would take it.
For 2 years we went back and forth. When I graduated from high school I moved into my own apartment, and he stayed over a lot. He made an effort to see me at least once a week, and avoid me the other 6 days. I noticed a pattern, and part of that pattern was not spending any weekend days with me. I started to take notice that he would go out with the guys on the weekends, be out of contact and avoid me like the plague. I had a best friend who got married the year after I graduated. She knew about love and life, she told me I deserved better, and I was wasting my time with someone who didn't seem to have any ambition. After hearing it from her, then my Mom, and finally my brother - who was also friends with him - I decided it was over. I told him I was done, I didn't want him in my life, and I needed to move on without him.
I took down all the pictures of us, I packed up all his stuff and took it to his parents house and dropped it off. I spent lots of sleepless nights crying and feeling sorry for myself. One night, I decided I was done. It was when my brother met his now wife. I started making trips up North to visit family, and spending weekends at home with the girls. I poured my time into working full time, going to school part time, and living life with little sleep the rest of the time.
A guy who was a great friend for all the years I dated EBF returned to the picture. He started coming over for party nights at my apartment, and asking me to go do things with him. What started out as innocent friends hanging out, turned into a full blown crush. Before I knew it, I was head over heels for D. We spent evenings together, cooking dinner at my place and going out on the weekends. One night when he was at my house, EBF was texting me. Since D never admitted he had any feelings for me, I assumed we were just friends. I didn't see any harm in texting EBF back or allowing him to stop by for a quick visit. It had almost been a year since we went our separate ways, there was no harm. When I told D that EBF was going to drop by later, he flipped. He got up and walked out of my house, mumbling something about me being stupid and deserving EBF. I think that was the first time I realized that D liked me. I called EBF and told him not to come, I had plans and it wasn't a good time. Then I went to bed.
The next day D called me and acted like nothing was wrong. It sent me for a loop and confused me tremendously. Maybe he didn't really like me. Long story short, D and I started dating 2 weeks later and I had to tell EBF that I just could not communicate with him and maintain a happy relationship. I was happy with D and I needed to walk away from the past. EBF respected my wishes and quit calling and texting me. D and I dated for 3 months, until it was evident we were better friends. It was a mutual break up, and I discounted it to him being the "rebound guy".
One week after D and I broke up, EBF got word through the grapevine and reappeared on Valentines Day. Then, he disappeared for a year. I heard he had a girlfriend, who was much younger than he. I heard he was a deadbeat and not working again. His car broke and he didn't fix it, he was driving cars borrowed from his parents and still living at home. I was relieved he was out of my life.
Then, one weekend last summer - he reappeared again on a boating trip with my family. My brother didn't tell me because he didn't want me to skip because of EBF. He just hoped that I wouldn't mind. How could I? We were 20 miles from home, and on a boat in the middle of the lake. EBF was standing on the dock and hoped on the boat when my brother pulled up. I was OK, but I was scared. It was purely friendly that day, then that evening - he started texting me again.
I haven't talked to him since that day last summer. Once in a while he texts me, and that's all. Back in March he invited me to go to an event with him. I'm stupid and I went. It's back to what it was, him calling and texting. Us talking and hanging out. He's no different. He works full time now, but he doesn't really have any ambition. He has a vehicle, but it's nothing compared to what he had and gave up. He's not the same guy I loved for all those years and a huge part of me wants to tell him that and walk away - and another part of me thinks he might grow up one day and still be my night and shining armour.
Weight off my shoulders? No. Do I feel better about telling the blogging word this story? Yes! I feel like I have vented to a good friend who just listened and didn't give any advice, which is sometimes what I need. Just to talk.
-BB
My motivation to be an excellent employee and clean the piles off my desk today is Missing in Action. I cannot seem to muster up the energy to do all the paperwork that is loudly calling my name. I just do not feel like it, simple as that.
I did come in to work at 7:30, which is great for a Monday. Usually I'm here right at 8, and not a minute before. I managed to get all my filing done this morning, filing is the task I despise the most - so glad that's out of the way.
This afternoon I'm going to work on organizing and de-cluttering. After I get my organization skills in high gear, I might just have the ambition to do actual work that needs to get done.
I weigh in tonight. I am excited to see what the scale has in store for me. We cooked out and had a little Wii party on Saturday evening. I was a good girl! I made all the food, and it was all low-fat. I didn't tell anyone! :)
Here is what I made, with the recipes:
Turkey Sausage Balls
1 1/2 cups Bisquick Baking Mix
1 pound of Jennie-O Turkey Sausage
2 cups Kraft Fat Free Cheddar Cheese
Mix all ingredients together, roll in small balls. Make 48. Place in parchment paper lined baking pan, and bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes.
They are 1 Point each if you are on Weight Watchers.
Fruit Dip
1 12 oz. (large) container of Light Cool Whip
1 large package of Sugar Free Strawberry Jello
Mix Cool Whip and Jello together, chill. Serve with sliced apples and bananas.
I didn't figure up the points on this, but I am sure it is very low. You could use other flavors of Jello, I just prefer Strawberry.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Fluff
1 package Chips Ahoy Reduced Fat Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 1/2 cups 1% Milk
1 small package Sugar Free White Chocolate Pudding Mix
1 12 oz. (large) container of Light Cool Whip
Mix pudding as directed on package (using 2 cups of 1 % milk). Add Cool Whip to pudding and mix well.
Next, dunk a cookie in the remaining 1/2 cup of 1% milk and line bottom of 9 X 13 baking dish. It should take 24 cookies to cover the bottom of the pan. Once the bottom of the pan is covered, put a layer of Cool Whip mixture over cookies. Line top of Cool Whip with 24 more Chocolate Chip Cookies dipped in milk, and top with remaining Cool Whip. Chill in fridge 30 - 45 minutes before serving. Before serving, crush 3-4 cookies and sprinkle over top.
1/15th of the pan is 4 Weight Watchers Points.
NOTE: The recipe calls for 2 boxes of White Chocolate pudding mix, but I only use 1 to make it less points.
My SIL brought Cucumber Salad, which was very good. I will have to get the recipe from her. I know it had cucumbers, onions, dill, vinegar and a little bit of sugar. It was a big hit.
Well, I'm off to work on finding my motivation!
-BB
The bathroom remodel project is complete. I can now assume my regularly scheduled blogging! :)
Yesterday was a full day of Bathroom Remodeling, from 9 am to 11:30 pm. It is now complete!
Here is what it it looked liked before.
Here it is now......
New white vanity top, with cabinets, Q-Tip Jar, and blow dryer holster. My favorite part is the faucet, it sticks out far enough that when I wash my hands water doesn't splash all over the wall! I found the rug in front of the sink at Wal-Mart, and I love it because it has the brown of the floor on it, and the also the black of the cabinets, so it pulls everything together nicely.
This is the new Linen Cabinet (ignore the white spot, something on the camera). I love the candle holders, and the shadow boxes, they're from Ikea, as are the rest of the decorations. The shadow box on the left is full of white silk rose petals, the one on the right has a print in it. I am going to get a picture printed in black and white today to put in it. The linen cabinet it awesome, it has 2 doors (as pictured), you push them and they pop open, and there are 2 shelves. Below the doors are 2 drawers that open the same way. I have a lot of room to store and organize things now. I love the space!
This is the new white commode, complete with free standing toilet paper holder and accent mirror (also purchased from Ikea).
And finally, here is the new shower curtain, and towel hooks. It is a bit hard to see, but the curtain has a lot of the blue wall color, and a stripe of gold/yellow here and there so it picks up the shower and floor color.I am relieved that everything is complete, and now I can start organizing and putting things away. I'll do that later today, now it's off to the grocery store to grab a few groceries to make a fruit salad, and head to the park for a picnic with friends!
-BB
